You know when you have bad directions or a really poorly drawn map? When you're traveling in the wrong direction, but you don't know how to fix it, or where to turn around? Just when did these instructions go bad? When you're just so fucking lost that you crossed that point where "if you cross the railroad track you've gone too far" and you didn't even realize it?Honestly, that's a bad metaphor. I don't even know where I'm pointed in the first place. It is a complete mystery to me where I am supposed to end up, and I have a few ideas, but all the ones I've tried thus far have failed me. I really don't have high hopes for the others, actually.
Just what am I to do with myself?
I don't want to wander around like my first day in New York and realize I did nothing, really. I'm in a new city with no real destination and no one that I actually know that would tell me where to go. A few things I did along the way are completely awesome, but I feel like I am missing out on something. The problem is I don't know what the hell it is.All I'm left with is this empty feeling. This nervous feeling. This helpless feeling. This expectant feeling. This lonely feeling. This numb feeling. This confused feeling. This terrified feeling. This exposed feeling.
I don't even know where I am.
I feel like I'm expected elsewhere, but I'm not there and wherever it is and whoever they are they're wondering where I am. They're sitting there, because hopefully there really is a "they" and a "where," and saying "I hope Hannah didn't cross the railroad tracks, and I hope she actually knows that this is here, waiting for her," or, maybe, "Jesus! Start a search party, because she's fucking missing."
I hope they come find me, because, right now, I can't find me.
1 comment:
Sorry I'm not a master vacation planner, otherwise we would have had things to do that first day.
On a more philosophical note. Perhaps, you need to let go of having a plan. Think about it this way: You're so caught up on "things to do" that you miss the aesthetic beauty that is humanity and its accomplishments. We should have done this, that, and the other. Stop just a second in your day and look around where you are. Look at the people, look at the animals, the plants.
Now apply that last bit to the NYC comment: Take it in, look around. Don't just focus on points on a line; look at the line and things around it. Deep down on a psychoanalytical level, why do you think I would enjoy spending 3 damn days on a train moving below the average speed of a car? On the surface, yes, I like trains, but I also like to look at things I'd never see or care to see if I were just concentrating on the destination. Now please allow me to make a clever comparison to life and a train (don't groan and roll your eyes, Its quite clever)
Life is like a train trip. With the starting point being birth and the final stop being death. It always travels forward, but you plan where its going, you tell it when to stop, go, and all that in between. Take in all that you see and do along the way, so that when you reach your final stop, you'll have known what it is to be a traveller of life.
Hopefully you found something slightly insightful in this long winded set of words. I hope you check your comments in your blog so that you can see it
-Drew :)
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