Monday, November 5, 2007

The Man That Almost Ruined Me For Other Men

Yes, ladies and gentles. I almost became lesbian today, and not because any beautiful creature entered my life and tried to convince me to leave my darling boyfriend.

Oh no. Quite the opposite in fact.

Said darling boyfriend was watching some pundits complaining about Hillary being a woman and exclaiming "Get her pregnant!" and "Take away her shoes!" or some such nonsense on MSNBC when darling boy uttered the words that almost irrevocably changed my life:

"Oh God! Look at the back of Pat Buchanan's head."

And I looked. Oh God, I looked.

People, I have been to I have seen the wonders of the internets and the /b/ board. Hentai, autopsy photos, Anon DIT threads... dead people, furry porn, pterodactyl porn... I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate... no wait, that was from Blade Runner.

Anyway, I've seen some fucked up repugnant shit... (aaaaaaaand that was from Pulp Fiction... Shit! I'm still so messed up from that sight that I can't even come up with original material)

And then I saw that...

(And no. I won't post a picture of it. Because according to Rule 34 of the Internet someone is already jerking off to that picture already. I don't want to contribute to that shit. Also, I like you and I don't want to subject you to that.)

At that very moment my mind refused to accept an attraction to any male. Darling man-thing tried making out with me and I'm usually putty in that boy's hands, but not today.

No, instead I was looking over his shoulder the whole time at a picture of Tricia Helfer on the cover of "Battlestar Galactica" and thinking about that evil, evil hottie Number Six.

At first he was bothered, then he actually thought about what it would look like and he was bothered in a diffrent way. Then he realized that I was telling the truth and kinda freaked out.

Not even Indiana Jones could turn me on. Indiana Jones with a whip and a leather fedora!

Eventually I got over it and focused instead on Questionable Content. I think I remind myself of Faye, but that's the subject of another posting.

Wouldn't it have been ironic if Pat Buchanan, big, fat, balding, jingoistic, bigoted Pat Buchanan actually had permanently ruined me for other men? And wouldn't have been an awesome story to tell in the lesbian scene?

Me: Pat Buchanan made me a lesbian.
Lesbian in Bar: I want you. Right. Now.


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