Thursday, October 6, 2011

I just finished reading the interview by Christopher Bollen with Michael Stipe. I have always admired Michael Stipe and R.E.M. Their albums have been the soundtrack to my childhood. Some of my very earliest memories have R.E.M. playing in the background: I danced around with my daddy in the living room of our house in San Antonio; I blasted Monster from our new stereo when I was 10; we listened to them on our many family road trips... Goodness, as often as we listened to it while driving to and fro during the holidays, Automatic for the People may as well be a Christmas album. So with that in mind, it's very appropriate that R.E.M. is breaking up as I end my adolescence (as much as it pains me to admit that I am 25 and only just now leaving adolescence).

Stipe's candidness was striking after so many years of public reticence. He readily admits his shyness, and considers becoming a singer for a band "the most courageous thing" he ever did. The early "mumbling" delivery style that he was so famous for using is an example of how afraid he was to open up. I was really struck by that, because I too feel so fearful of that vulnerability.

So even though he will never see this, or know that this insignificant person feels this way about him, I just wanted to thank Michael Stipe for finding it within himself to open himself up to us.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Outside Scope

I really need to reconsider how I feel about myself. So much of how I think of myself comes from outside. I crave outside validation in a terrible, messed up way.

I realize there is no real reason for me to feel this way. Rationally I know I'm fine, that I'm attractive, funny and intelligent; it just doesn't hold up to how I feel emotionally about myself. So then I try too hard, and lose what external validation is coming my way.

I feel kinda nuts.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Thoughts on Loss

It's funny how your brain needs to reorganize your thoughts when something big in your life changes.

When my Pap Paw died in September it took me several weeks to realize that he was really gone. I had to re-frame everything about parts of my life. At breakfast, lunch and dinner I would remember and grieve. I would think of summer and think, "I'll have black-eyed peas and fresh corn from the garden," and then suddenly have to remember that he was gone... A sale on Bluebell sparked the usual thought of "If Pap Paw sees this he'll buy all 5!" Each time I would have to remind myself, "No, he's gone. That is over now."

The same is with when you break up with someone. You have to go through each part of your mind and re-label "boyfriend" as something else; he is now ex-boyfriend, my ex, or just his name. I run across things and think "I'll have to show/do that with/talk about it with him... shit."

I wonder if my brain is physically re-organizing itself, growing new paths, forcibly pruning the incorrect ones. Maybe that's why it's so hard.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

RE: Letter to Me from My Stomach

Dear Stomach,

You can pretend that we've gotten along fairly well, but you're fooling yourself.

In reference to "the time I made you throw up in front of everyone in school," that was one time? It wasn't every day? Really?

You're just too sensitive. A piece of lettuce in pudding does not make normal stomachs turn themselves inside-out and throw everything on the ground in panic.

If I wasn't in a committed relationship I would divorce you.


Letter to Me From My Stomach

Dear Hannah,

I know that in the past we have gotten along fairly well. We've had some upsets (like the time I made you throw up in front of everyone in school) but we've had our good times too.

I just wanted to let you know that while you enjoyed drinking $1 doubles that nice man bought you (3 of them, you should write your liver a thank you note) following it up with frozen yogurt was disrespectful. Like, you know I don't like that, and you throw it on top of liquor? You repugnant bitch.

So, enjoy all the passive-aggressive signals I'll be sending you for the next few hours.


Your Stomach

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


I feel like too little butter stretched over too much bread.

The good news is that I can probably go study abroad this summer in Germany. That way I can go abroad, which is always nice, and knock out my last two Foreign Language classes in one summer school session.

If I did that I would have Maymester free to do a communication credit and the Summer II session free so that I could take Elementary Statistics at NCTC.

Graduation is so close but so far away.

But first this semester:

SAI Recital
SAI Initiation
Finish poster project in Counseling
Interview two counselors in the community and write a paper about it for Counseling
Keep up with studying German, reading for Psychology of Sexuality, Quantitative Methods, Psychology II, and homework for German and Quantitative Methods.
Keep losing weight.
Keep up with housework and chores.
Get Out The Vote on UNT campus.
Plan for Obamanite.
Work enough every week to feed myself.
Go to class.

I really don't understand how people keep their sanity if they work, go to school, and have kids. It completely blows my mind.

Things not to do in the lab

Answer the question "Mac or PC" with "I don't care," and then come back 10 seconds after I check you into a Mac and ask for a PC. Dumb.

Giggle as you try to smuggle a can of Dr. Pepper into the lab. I can see you asshole. I'm not retarded, but you obviously are.

Stare at my ass while I'm fixing your computer.

Stare at my boobs while I'm checking you into a computer.

Give me sass when I tell you to get out of the classroom after your class is over.

Act like you're special because you're a senior CommDesign major or Interior Design major. Or whatever major because you aren't special, period.

Get pissed when there is a line for the CommDesign plotters, insist that you be switched to the Interior Design plotters, throw a hissy fit to my boss when we don't let you break the rules, have him tell you that you can use then, AND THEN decide that, yes, they're shitty, that's why you get better ones, and try to get to the front of the line for the CommDesign plotter because you're "in a hurry."

Mock lab patrons to their face if you are an employee of the lab. You're supposed to do that behind their backs. Duh.

Print word documents not containing color pictures on the color printer, and then complain when your ink is dark purple.

Leave without telling us which computer you were using and then get pissed when we yell after you to tell us whether you were checking out or taking a break

Raise your hand when you need attention during a busy time, without vocalizing your need for assistance and you are out of our direct line of sight. Of course we won't see you.

Whispering while the printer behind the desk is churning out pages as loudly as it can. We can't here you back here.

Move to a different computer, without telling us, when your computer has an issue or *gasp* it's an iMac on the formerly PC side of the classroom.

Stay 15 minutes after closing, then after I politely ask you to get out, and that I have to be back at 7:30 AM to open, say "Well I have to be up earlier than that." and then leave in a huff without even thanking me for the extra time and my loss of sleep. Rude.