I feel lost.
You know when you have bad directions or a really poorly drawn map? When you're traveling in the wrong direction, but you don't know how to fix it, or where to turn around? Just when did these instructions go bad? When you're just so fucking lost that you crossed that point where "if you cross the railroad track you've gone too far" and you didn't even realize it?
Honestly, that's a bad metaphor. I don't even know where I'm pointed in the first place. It is a complete mystery to me where I am supposed to end up, and I have a few ideas, but all the ones I've tried thus far have failed me. I really don't have high hopes for the others, actually.
Just what am I to do with myself?
I don't want to wander around like my first day in New York and realize I did nothing, really. I'm in a new city with no real destination and no one that I actually know that would tell me where to go. A few things I did along the way are completely awesome, but I feel like I am missing out on something. The problem is I don't know what the hell it is.
All I'm left with is this empty feeling. This nervous feeling. This helpless feeling. This expectant feeling. This lonely feeling. This numb feeling. This confused feeling. This terrified feeling. This exposed feeling.
I don't even know where I am.
I feel like I'm expected elsewhere, but I'm not there and wherever it is and whoever they are they're wondering where I am. They're sitting there, because hopefully there really is a "they" and a "where," and saying "I hope Hannah didn't cross the railroad tracks, and I hope she actually knows that this is here, waiting for her," or, maybe, "Jesus! Start a search party, because she's fucking missing."
I hope they come find me, because, right now, I can't find me.