Stress

I feel like too little butter stretched over too much bread.

The good news is that I can probably go study abroad this summer in Germany. That way I can go abroad, which is always nice, and knock out my last two Foreign Language classes in one summer school session.

If I did that I would have Maymester free to do a communication credit and the Summer II session free so that I could take Elementary Statistics at NCTC.

Graduation is so close but so far away.

But first this semester:

SAI Recital
SAI Initiation
Finish poster project in Counseling
Interview two counselors in the community and write a paper about it for Counseling
Keep up with studying German, reading for Psychology of Sexuality, Quantitative Methods, Psychology II, and homework for German and Quantitative Methods.
Keep losing weight.
Keep up with housework and chores.
Get Out The Vote on UNT campus.
Plan for Obamanite.
Work enough every week to feed myself.
Go to class.

I really don't understand how people keep their sanity if they work, go to school, and have kids. It completely blows my mind.

Having No Social Life is Taking It's Toll

I think I'm losing it. I talk to random people, and feel satisfied for a brief time.

I feel like a Sim, with a bar for "Social" floating over my head. I need one of these.

Inward Compulsion

I've been really striving to be a more honest, better person lately.

Little things:

Like not snagging a Mac remote from work (I want one for my iPod dock, turns out I wouldn't have even been able to use it with my version of iPod, so much the better) or a screen cloth

Waking up in time for work and getting there early

Actually working dilligently in the lab, even when my lab partner is goofing off

After realizing that I left work early accidentally, I went back, even though I was stressed out and just wanted to get the hell out of there

I was going to skip class the other day. I stayed up too late last night and almost fell back into my old ways. I was totally going to crash and sleep through class, and also skip SAI. I didn't. I went to class, and I'm glad that I did. It wasn't really a conscious decision to change my mind, I just got up, made a quick dinner and was on my way.

On the way back from class I also didn't stop into a restaurant and have a bite to eat, even though it was oh-so-tempting.

Tuesday Morning in the Lab

Tuesday morning I was minding my own business, checking people in and out of the lab, helping them print, dealing with the fact that Mac OSX is down on the "Mac" side of the room and trying to let biatchy comments from whiny Comm Design majors roll off my back, when out of the blue someone did something that made me question humanity.

Let me put this into context. I like people. Alot. This is why I took the job at the computer lab. I like people and I like computers. Yay! Right? Not so much. As much as I used to biatch at Irish Sean for hating people while he worked at Exxon I'm starting to feel his pain. I had been out of the service industry for the past few years. I remember how asinine the people were at Target, and for some strange crackballed reason I thought that since I was dealing with college students that they would be able to do simple things on the computer. Not so much.

This guy comes in and when asked the usual question "Mac or Pc?" his reply was "Uh, a regular computer I guess. I don't even know what a Mac is. I just want to print something." I have learned in the past few weeks that "I want to use a relgular computer" is a good cue for me to realize that they don't know what the hell they're doing with computers or just life in general.

He comes back after about 30 seconds with a question. "Are the flash drive hole thingies not working on these computers? I peeled the black tape over the hole in the front to stick my memory stick into. Why won't it work?"
Assuming that he means "USB port" instead of "Durr, durr, durr! I'm retarded!" I say, "Yes, the USB drives in the back of the computer work."
"Yeah. I peeled that black tape off."

I'm starting to get really annoyed at this point because there is a very good reason we put black electrical tape on the USB drives on the front of those computers: they don't work. We also have a nice little slip of paper conveniently saying "Thumb Drives can be inserted into the BACK of the computer." This cute little piece of paper is lovingly taped RIGHT OVER THE USB DRIVE IN QUESTION. People often ignore it. This is one of the many reasons that I hate them.

I say, "Yes, there is a sign posted saying that the 'hole' won't work. You'll have to use the back of the computer."
"I peeled the tape off."
"The tape is there for a reason. Use the back of the computer."
Blank stare.

At this point my lab monitor cohort, Dave, tries to help. "Look on the back of the computer," he says, "you can plug your thumb drive into that."
"What?"
"The back of the computer," the remarkably patient Dave said while indicating with his hands the "front" of the computer and the "back of the computer.
"What's that?"
"The back of the computer," Dave says beginning to be irritated. At this point people are staring at us.
"I don't know what you mean. You'll have to show me."
"Okay, let's go," says Dave.

They walk over to the computer. Dave points at the back of the computer and only receives a blank stare in return. Dave shows him where to put his thumb drive.

Dave returns, supressing a giggle, he says, "I still don't think he knows what the hell just happened." Usually Dave is pretty short with the kids that get up to the dumbassery in the lab, but I think this level of stupidity just knocked him off-guard.Or maybe it was pity that allowed him to show such kindness. I have no idea.

All I know is that I was shaking with supressed laughter at this point. It hurt to hold it in and tight little squealing giggles were escaping.

I'm pretty sure I'll never recover.

Was someone drunk or high when they wrote these directions? Jesus...

I feel lost.

You know when you have bad directions or a really poorly drawn map? When you're traveling in the wrong direction, but you don't know how to fix it, or where to turn around? Just when did these instructions go bad? When you're just so fucking lost that you crossed that point where "if you cross the railroad track you've gone too far" and you didn't even realize it?

Honestly, that's a bad metaphor. I don't even know where I'm pointed in the first place. It is a complete mystery to me where I am supposed to end up, and I have a few ideas, but all the ones I've tried thus far have failed me. I really don't have high hopes for the others, actually.

Just what am I to do with myself?

I don't want to wander around like my first day in New York and realize I did nothing, really. I'm in a new city with no real destination and no one that I actually know that would tell me where to go. A few things I did along the way are completely awesome, but I feel like I am missing out on something. The problem is I don't know what the hell it is.

All I'm left with is this empty feeling. This nervous feeling. This helpless feeling. This expectant feeling. This lonely feeling. This numb feeling. This confused feeling. This terrified feeling. This exposed feeling.

I don't even know where I am.

I feel like I'm expected elsewhere, but I'm not there and wherever it is and whoever they are they're wondering where I am. They're sitting there, because hopefully there really is a "they" and a "where," and saying "I hope Hannah didn't cross the railroad tracks, and I hope she actually knows that this is here, waiting for her," or, maybe, "Jesus! Start a search party, because she's fucking missing."

I hope they come find me, because, right now, I can't find me.